Today I left my stop watch at home. I'll admit it, as I suited up for my run I saw it sitting there, calling out to me, longing to hold me to my standard mile time. But something inside me longed for the days when I didn't know what my average mile time was, and I ran to seek freedom.
These were the days when I used running as an escape. It was a way to hit cruise control in the mind and leave my worries in the fading distance as I traveled. It was simply me and the road woven together to provide a place to release. I never came away from a run with displeasure. I never looked down at my wrist and felt disappointment because I was slow that day. Running had become just another thing in my life in which I was expected to succeed and no one expected success except my worst critic...........ME.
Today I traveled down the road free of any expectations. I ran simply to clear the mind. Instead of consistently looking down, I looked at the road ahead and I focused on what was to come. I left my troubles there in the dirt. I restled with my inner thoughts and came to terms with all the issues that had been nagging me weighing me down. When I was done there was no little voice to tell me I could have been faster. Instead there was a voice of liberation, acceptance and peace.
So, my fellow runners, I must tell you it won't kill you to leave your watch at home for a day. I challenge you to leave you mile time behind and rediscover yourself. You might just find You like You, no matter how fast you run.
Tales from a running now Pregnant mama!
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Ode to the Single Mother
"I'm just so embarrassed, " she told me, her eyes welling up with tears. "You shouldn't be embarrased, you're beautiful, and you are going to have a beautiful baby girl," I told her. As if pregnancy wasn't hard enough, my heart went out to her. I know in this moment my friend was feeling the "Oh, so the dad isn't in the picture, huh?" comments. She was feeling all the pitty stares from the pretencious woman who claimed to have perfect lives and flawless husbands.
I began to think what it would be like to be pregnant without a husband and how I would dread being asked "Where is the father?" As a married woman I felt so alone when I was pregnant, I can't imagine what it would be like to stare down at your belly and feel abandonement radiating from with in. To feel the weight of responsibility and know you would be carrying it in solitude.
I looked at my friend and felt guilty for all the times I had complained about how hard it was being pregnant and how hard it was to have a baby. The truth is a married woman can learn a few things from the single mother. If I was single there would be no breaks, no hold him wile I pee, watch him while I shower, no can you put him to bed tonight I am tierd. I would be the only influence in my child's life. I would not only be a parent, I would be two.
I realized single mothers don't know their own stregnth. They are women who were often delt an unforseen circumstance and are making a choice to bring life into this world. So I told my friend what my mother told me when I was having one of those rough pregnant days. "Don't worry, once you have this baby, you'll never be alone......in this life, you'll never be alone again."
I began to think what it would be like to be pregnant without a husband and how I would dread being asked "Where is the father?" As a married woman I felt so alone when I was pregnant, I can't imagine what it would be like to stare down at your belly and feel abandonement radiating from with in. To feel the weight of responsibility and know you would be carrying it in solitude.
I looked at my friend and felt guilty for all the times I had complained about how hard it was being pregnant and how hard it was to have a baby. The truth is a married woman can learn a few things from the single mother. If I was single there would be no breaks, no hold him wile I pee, watch him while I shower, no can you put him to bed tonight I am tierd. I would be the only influence in my child's life. I would not only be a parent, I would be two.
I realized single mothers don't know their own stregnth. They are women who were often delt an unforseen circumstance and are making a choice to bring life into this world. So I told my friend what my mother told me when I was having one of those rough pregnant days. "Don't worry, once you have this baby, you'll never be alone......in this life, you'll never be alone again."
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Post Half Marathon Depression
So after the Half Marathon I am finding it hard to be inspired to:
a) get out and run in the heat
b) get out in run because my body hurts
c) get up and get motivated in the morning
I think I thought that I would feel great after the Half, truth is I feel a little low. I have this sense of..now what? All that build up and now it's over. I'm thinking I am allowed a little break, thinking I'm allowed to drink a glass of wine and sleep in a little :)
Supposed to be training for the Duathlon and I am dragging. I forgot what it is like to transition from the bike to the run. It's as if I have bricks tied to my feet. The race only includes a four mile run, but I have to train to run fast again. I think I am suffering from Post Half Marathon Depression............if there is such a condition.
a) get out and run in the heat
b) get out in run because my body hurts
c) get up and get motivated in the morning
I think I thought that I would feel great after the Half, truth is I feel a little low. I have this sense of..now what? All that build up and now it's over. I'm thinking I am allowed a little break, thinking I'm allowed to drink a glass of wine and sleep in a little :)
Supposed to be training for the Duathlon and I am dragging. I forgot what it is like to transition from the bike to the run. It's as if I have bricks tied to my feet. The race only includes a four mile run, but I have to train to run fast again. I think I am suffering from Post Half Marathon Depression............if there is such a condition.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Good Intentions
I have been blessed with several different types of friends in my life. Some who run and some who don't, not that this is in any way a determining factor of criteria of friendship. Some of my best friends are amazing women, some are mamas, some aren't. They are all beautiful individuls; and they all have inspired me to be a better person in so many diferent ways. I am even lucky eough to have a bond so deep that I would consider some of my friends sisters.
It has been brought to my attention that some of the things I have been writing in this Blog have unintentionally hurt others. This was never my plan, or my thought when I set out to write. My intention was to share my thoughts about running and to try and keep track of what was going on in my life. I thought I could keep it and one day when I was old, my husband might read it to me and I could have a small moment of "Remember When." I never meant to seperate myself from the friends I have who don't run or who aren't mamas.
I thought I might just write about my experiences as a runner and how it has changed since I have been a mom. I was scared I would never run again and I wanted to shed light to other women who had babies and let them know they could do the same. But now I will forever worry and wonder how or if what I am writing will hurt a third party, it will ALWAYS be in the back of my mind every time I hit the Publish Post Button.
It is with deep regret that I am retiring this blog for now.
It has been brought to my attention that some of the things I have been writing in this Blog have unintentionally hurt others. This was never my plan, or my thought when I set out to write. My intention was to share my thoughts about running and to try and keep track of what was going on in my life. I thought I could keep it and one day when I was old, my husband might read it to me and I could have a small moment of "Remember When." I never meant to seperate myself from the friends I have who don't run or who aren't mamas.
I thought I might just write about my experiences as a runner and how it has changed since I have been a mom. I was scared I would never run again and I wanted to shed light to other women who had babies and let them know they could do the same. But now I will forever worry and wonder how or if what I am writing will hurt a third party, it will ALWAYS be in the back of my mind every time I hit the Publish Post Button.
It is with deep regret that I am retiring this blog for now.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Why Running Mama's Need their Mamas, a tribute to Mother's Day.
"I think you are just really tired," my mom said to me. I thought to myself, no this half crazed state of mind I am in is not just being tired. I had just described to my mother that Brody was sick, he had been all week, and I swear he might be dying. Never mind the fact that I ran a half marathon this week, got the flu, worked, stayed up with Brody teething, stayed up with Brody and his multiple dirty diapers, got sick again, and then Brody got sick again 'Tired? Tired had never crossed my mind " No mom I'm not tired, I'm worried, and he could He might be dehydrated, getting worse, he needs more sleep, and my husband thinks I am crazy...........and uh...yeah ok I might be tired."
Running Mamas often tend to be the typical "A type," energizer bunny, everything needs to get done, heaven forbid I should have one second of time to just do NOTHING. We fill our busy schedules with errands, work, a good run, housework, and the list goes on. When we do take a moment the "i should really be......and I could be......... sets in. Most days life is just a balancing act and we often forget to take time out to heal. Heal the soul and the mind. When I get overwhelmed there is one person I can call and I know she will always listen.
Like a new mother who is in tune with her infants patterns, it's amazing after all this time my mother is still in tune with all my patterns. Somehow you can't hide anything from your mother, because they know, like it or not, they know. Because they know, you can always rely on them to keep you grounded, to tell you the truth and to comfort you. The love of a mother is unconditional, there are no expectations, and chances are sometimes you stare at yourself in the mirror and you can see her reflection starting back at you. It is amazing the older I get the more I realize..........I am just like her.
This is my first year as a mother. I have learned more then I ever have. My life has new meaning, new resonance. I have been given a gift and now I know how much my mom loves me. I knew before, but now I know what it is like to have a piece of you directly connected to your soul. This year I learned Running Mamas need their Mamas and now that I am a Mama, i realized I need her even more.
Running Mamas often tend to be the typical "A type," energizer bunny, everything needs to get done, heaven forbid I should have one second of time to just do NOTHING. We fill our busy schedules with errands, work, a good run, housework, and the list goes on. When we do take a moment the "i should really be......and I could be......... sets in. Most days life is just a balancing act and we often forget to take time out to heal. Heal the soul and the mind. When I get overwhelmed there is one person I can call and I know she will always listen.
Like a new mother who is in tune with her infants patterns, it's amazing after all this time my mother is still in tune with all my patterns. Somehow you can't hide anything from your mother, because they know, like it or not, they know. Because they know, you can always rely on them to keep you grounded, to tell you the truth and to comfort you. The love of a mother is unconditional, there are no expectations, and chances are sometimes you stare at yourself in the mirror and you can see her reflection starting back at you. It is amazing the older I get the more I realize..........I am just like her.
This is my first year as a mother. I have learned more then I ever have. My life has new meaning, new resonance. I have been given a gift and now I know how much my mom loves me. I knew before, but now I know what it is like to have a piece of you directly connected to your soul. This year I learned Running Mamas need their Mamas and now that I am a Mama, i realized I need her even more.
Monday, May 4, 2009
Why Running Mamas Need Other Running Mamas
"So how fast do you run, what are your times?" she asked me. I was dumbfounded, didn't really know the answer. I just got on the treadmill and ran and the next day I might try and run a little further. "Have you ever ran a race?" she proceeded to ask. "No," I answered and in my mind I never intended to. In my mind I wasn't good enough.
When I met Dianna she never made me feel less then her. Although she spouted off a lengthy resume of races she had accomplished, she wasn't a running snubber. You know the type, if you haven't run 16 marathons, don't know what a Garmin watch is, and your diet doesn't consist of GU, you are pond scum. Heaven forbid they should provide any bit of encouragement and share their knowledge. We have all met them. (another blog, one day.) Dianna was different, she exuded confidence, competitiveness and determination and it was contagious. I longed to be a part of it.
I had always run alone, it was my time to just zone out. I figured meeting with Dianna would be an occasional thing to change things up a bit. I immediately noticed a difference after just a few weeks. She taught me the basics, "You should only do one long run a week," and "Lets do sprints." Sprints? What the heck is a Sprint? She shared her stories of motherhood and how she became a better runner after she had her son. She told me about how she threw out her back trying to run to quickly after childbirth. I had entered a completely different world, one that included times, and distance. it was unfamiliar, yet challenging. Eventually she convinced me to do my first race. I crossed the finish line and I felt euphoria, and she had helped me, she had pushed me.
Meeting up with Dianna wasn't always about running. Although we got down to business, silently pounding the pavement until we reached our distance, we always took time to cool down, debrief, walk it out. "How's your job? When is the baby due? I'm just having an off day. I hate my husband. I hate my job. Is it ever going to stop snowing? Am I a bad mother for leaving him? Sometimes I just feel alone." I found myself needing this time, counting the hours until this time, and I never would have taken this time ALONE.
I have a lot of friends. Friends I have shared a lengthy history, but when it comes to running, i think some of my other friends might call me crazy. Lets face it running alone is boring and sometimes you need the motivation. Running Mamas are the types of friends you can call when it is 20 degrees outside and you need to get in a run and they will text you "where, what time, " instead of "you're crazy, it's freezing." These are the types of friends who will support you as you continue to run six months into your pregnancy. Running Mamas don't fear childbirth, they fear that they might not be running for a few months, and they fear they won't bounce back to their pre-prego mile time shape. I knew I could always count on Dianna to support my addiction to running, because we are both avid users.
And so one simple 5k with Dianna lead me to the Half marathon. "I don't know if I am going to make it, my ankle is acting up," Dianna told me just moments before the start. I felt my heart sink, although most of the time during a race we would break off into our own pace out of site, I knew she was out there. She was my silent cheerleader, and we were in this together. I hated the thought of running in a lonely sea of runners. " I'll know by mile four," she told me.
During the race we started out together then broke away to find our comfortable race pace. As I passed mile three and then fourIi began to wonder if my partner was out there? I began to struggle with in myself thinking it wouldn't be the same if she wasn't there to cross the finish line. Suddenly the course lead us through a round about where we would cross paths with the runners behind us. I knew if she was still going, I would see her. I looked, and I looked........and just when I was struck with discontent she was there. I felt a surge of relief and excitement. I was recharged with energy. It was at that moment I realized Running Mamas truly need other Running Mamas.
Although there are times I seek solitude on a good long run, the camaraderie I have found in my friendship has pushed me to accomplish things I never would have had I not met Dianna. It is in her acts of encouragement and determination that I find the need to encourage and inspire other Running Mamas to be the Running Mamas they never knew they could be.
~Thank you Dianna~
When I met Dianna she never made me feel less then her. Although she spouted off a lengthy resume of races she had accomplished, she wasn't a running snubber. You know the type, if you haven't run 16 marathons, don't know what a Garmin watch is, and your diet doesn't consist of GU, you are pond scum. Heaven forbid they should provide any bit of encouragement and share their knowledge. We have all met them. (another blog, one day.) Dianna was different, she exuded confidence, competitiveness and determination and it was contagious. I longed to be a part of it.
I had always run alone, it was my time to just zone out. I figured meeting with Dianna would be an occasional thing to change things up a bit. I immediately noticed a difference after just a few weeks. She taught me the basics, "You should only do one long run a week," and "Lets do sprints." Sprints? What the heck is a Sprint? She shared her stories of motherhood and how she became a better runner after she had her son. She told me about how she threw out her back trying to run to quickly after childbirth. I had entered a completely different world, one that included times, and distance. it was unfamiliar, yet challenging. Eventually she convinced me to do my first race. I crossed the finish line and I felt euphoria, and she had helped me, she had pushed me.
Meeting up with Dianna wasn't always about running. Although we got down to business, silently pounding the pavement until we reached our distance, we always took time to cool down, debrief, walk it out. "How's your job? When is the baby due? I'm just having an off day. I hate my husband. I hate my job. Is it ever going to stop snowing? Am I a bad mother for leaving him? Sometimes I just feel alone." I found myself needing this time, counting the hours until this time, and I never would have taken this time ALONE.
I have a lot of friends. Friends I have shared a lengthy history, but when it comes to running, i think some of my other friends might call me crazy. Lets face it running alone is boring and sometimes you need the motivation. Running Mamas are the types of friends you can call when it is 20 degrees outside and you need to get in a run and they will text you "where, what time, " instead of "you're crazy, it's freezing." These are the types of friends who will support you as you continue to run six months into your pregnancy. Running Mamas don't fear childbirth, they fear that they might not be running for a few months, and they fear they won't bounce back to their pre-prego mile time shape. I knew I could always count on Dianna to support my addiction to running, because we are both avid users.
And so one simple 5k with Dianna lead me to the Half marathon. "I don't know if I am going to make it, my ankle is acting up," Dianna told me just moments before the start. I felt my heart sink, although most of the time during a race we would break off into our own pace out of site, I knew she was out there. She was my silent cheerleader, and we were in this together. I hated the thought of running in a lonely sea of runners. " I'll know by mile four," she told me.
During the race we started out together then broke away to find our comfortable race pace. As I passed mile three and then fourIi began to wonder if my partner was out there? I began to struggle with in myself thinking it wouldn't be the same if she wasn't there to cross the finish line. Suddenly the course lead us through a round about where we would cross paths with the runners behind us. I knew if she was still going, I would see her. I looked, and I looked........and just when I was struck with discontent she was there. I felt a surge of relief and excitement. I was recharged with energy. It was at that moment I realized Running Mamas truly need other Running Mamas.
Although there are times I seek solitude on a good long run, the camaraderie I have found in my friendship has pushed me to accomplish things I never would have had I not met Dianna. It is in her acts of encouragement and determination that I find the need to encourage and inspire other Running Mamas to be the Running Mamas they never knew they could be.
~Thank you Dianna~
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